Friday, May 13, 2005

Salesman Number 1

This is a very old piece - written in 2000 A.D in a place called Cuddapah. It is put on the blog in keeping with (what the author very pompously feels is) "popular demand"!

Imagine a film called Salesman No.1... starring Govinda in the title role.

Govinda is a country bumpkin studying in a b-school in Bihar! His classmates include Johnny Lever and Mohnish Behl (side-villain).
His Marketing professor is Kader Khan... who utters wonderful shairis like "Distribution badh nahin sakti ghar mein baithne se, Brand Equity ghat nahin sakti zamane ki sataane se..."
Govinda's father (Alok Nath in a guest appearance) was a Lever's TSI who was killed by Naxalites trying to improve the distribtuion of Lux in rural areas! And HLL did not pay any compensation to the family, which is why Govinda's mother (Farida Jalal) has stopped using soap!
Govinda has vowed that he will not rest till the market share of Levers soaps in his area is 0% (remember guys, this is a Hindi film!)

Anyway, on placement day, Mohnish Behl gets HLL because he has contacts (his father - Gulshnan Grover - is the oldest Levers distributor in the country!). And Govinda gets RCI!!!
By the way, Johnny Lever also does not get Levers... he gets, say, SBCH!

Anyway, they are both sent to a vague rural area for theirs MTs stints... where Kader Khan (in a double role) is the RCI distributor and his brother Gulshan Grover is the HLL distributor (Mohnish has got this stint in his father's area... guys, guys, guys - this is a Hindi film!).

Guess what, Kader Khan's daughter is Karishma Kapoor, who promptly falls in love with Govinda. She keeps accounts for her dad in the daytime and sings songs with Govinda when she is free!
Song situation:
"Main to primary kar raha tha,
Main to secondary kar raha tha,
Main to schemes chala raha tha,
Tera undercut hua to main kya karoon?

Johnny Lever has also fallen in love with the SBCH distributor's daughter (Guddi Maruti, as usual!) and... Song situation: "Horlicks jo pyar karega... Woh gaana gayega... Aquafresh daaton mein pehchana jayega..."

Govinda works very hard and improves the RCI distribution greatly... and the Levers soap market share goes down steadily. Meanwhile, Mohnish has good fun with a village chhamiya (Rambha in a special appearance) - and she can even sing a song... "Luxy luxy luxy mujhe log bole..."

Ultimately, there is huge pressure from the top for Mohnish to mend his act. And he gets to his evil ways - with assistance from his dad!
They go and tamper with the RCI records to convince Kader Khan that the Reckitts ROI has fallen felow 24% - AND Govinda is flirting with his daughter!
Blinded with rage, Kader Khan bounces a Reckitts cheque - and stops distribution till such time Govinda is removed from his territory!
Govinda's targets go for a toss - and to make matters worse, Levers is about to launch Savlon soap in the area!
He is also forbidden to meet Karishma, saddened by which Karshma sings, "Ab teRO BIN jee lenge hum, zahar Mortein ka pee lenge hum..."

Govinda's transfer orders are sent... and just when he is about to leave, Johnny Lever discovers the gochi in the RCI accounts and phodoes the bhanda to Kader. Kader Khan realises his mistake - and immediately gives a draft for the bounced cheque! And as a dowry for his daughter's wedding, he promises to match the Savlon display budget with an equal sum from his own pocket for Dettol!

The Climax: The news of Mohnish and Gulshan's wrongdoings reach the ears of the Levers ASM (Kulbhushan Kharbanda).
And it is also discovered that Govinda's father was not killed by naxalites but by Gulshan's henchmen because he had refused to pass false secondary claims!
Hence, there is a high-voltage clash between Gulshan-Mohnish and Govinda-Kader-Johnny in which Govinda beats up the baddies with a Customer Order Book! (FMCG guys will vouch for the size and hardness of this object!)

The Happy Ending:
Alok Nath is declared to be a great TSI, and his pension is paid. Farida Jalal starts using soap again. Mohnish is sent to the Andamans for his next stint.
Gulshan is stripped off his distributor-ship. And it is given to Kader Khan.
Johnny Lever marries Guddi Maruti.
Govinda marries Karishma - and quits Reckitts to join Infosys!


Anonymous said...

This is brilliant. A work of art. It was passed all around my batch- one of those chain-mail things (and since the spouse was at Reckitt, he suspected you had written it). good to see it up again.


sandeip said...

super...u have confirmed my faith in my decision to go for mar in second year..even though i also will prolly go to RCI with my CV :D

Suchismita said...

xcellent sales story.....wish to get sum more stuffs on d same.......