It has been a very long time since I wrote a post on sales. But then, it has been an even longer time since I did sales. I sit in an air-conditioned office and watch adrenaline flow around me, occasionally pooling near my ankles and getting me to design some pitches for braver people to deliver.
I discovered some old files in an old laptop and thought I'd put them up... so that those emotions don't get lost and I can come back to them once in a while.
Ladies and gentlemen, presenting some of my thoughts from the time I was a trainee and an ASM...
I discovered some old files in an old laptop and thought I'd put them up... so that those emotions don't get lost and I can come back to them once in a while.
Ladies and gentlemen, presenting some of my thoughts from the time I was a trainee and an ASM...
If
it’s Tuesday, it must be Belgaum...
It all started with the the Management Trainee stint - a cross-city, cross-state hike across some state of India. And one followed
the never-ending routine of Catch Bus at 10-Sleep (or try to) on Bus-Reach Town-Freshen
Up at Hotel-Meet distributor-Do Secondary-Destroy Damaged Stocks-Collect
Draft-Eat Dosa for Dinner-Catch Bus at 10... ad nauseum!
It was almost out of a
George Orwell novel that ALL the towns had one Shanthi International Lodge
(where Channel 1 on the TV invariably was FTV!) and one Hotel Krishna (all of
whom invariably charged extra for the second bowl of sambhar!). All this made
the task of town-distinction all the more difficult...
And the object of this hike
was to get sales orders from distributors.
Simple, no?
But just to make it
interesting, the distributors did not speak any of the languages that you did!
I always knew all those prizes at Dumb Charades would be of some use at some
point of time! But who would have thought one would have to act out thus...
Tamil, Eight Words, “Two Lakhs Demand Draft Consumer Offer On Soap”.
What
Bengal Thinks Today... Bihar has already invoiced!
I spent the first two years
of my sales career in the two adjacent states of East and it was quite...
umm... well... err... unadjectivable.
What can you say about guys
who demanded to buy a truckload of stock at the highly discounted staff sales rate? And then wanted to know if Staff Sales operated on credit!
What can you say about guys
who ranked RSMs solely on the basis of their entertainment potential? And their
favourite was a RSM who scared CFA staff with rubber snakes at the
month-closing!
These two
teams cribbed a lot, haggled even better – and finally made the
numbers... at least, most of it!
And when I am asked to name the better team, I quote a team member, who put
it very aptly, “Boss, Bengal mein team ASM
ke liye jaan de sakte hain. Aur Bihar mein team ASM ke liye jaan le sakte
hain...”
Though I am
still trying to figure out which is better!
And why do you think the chicken
crossed the road?
From the points of view of the different departments in a MNC, this age-old question got completely divergent answers. From my (then) position as a lowly ASM, all of them sounded very logical and very unfair. Now with my substantial experience and perspective, I find them to be... very illogical but completely fair.
Marketing (Bullet points from
Presentation at Launch Conference):
·
Estimated market size of chicken
crossing: Rs 2300
crores
·
980% increase in advertising spend
·
4% discount on all crossings this month
·
We Aim to be Number 1 in this category by Day after Tomorrow
Sales Training: In order to formalise a process for chicken crossing, which
can be followed nationally, we have prepared a 61-slide presentation to be
cascaded down to all Pareto chickens. This needs to be rolled down with
immediate effect and a member from Category Support/Sales Training will be
present at the programme.
Distributor (To Sales Supervisor): Sir, 3000 peti chicken thel diye they launch ke liye. Ab
uske upar cheque bhi laga diye hain… kuchh chicken wapas na cross kiya to kaise
chalega?
Sales Representative (To ASM): Boss, competition chicken pe bhayankar scheme chala raha hain…
200 peti chicken bechne par Bangkok trip pe bhej raje hain! Hamara chicken kaise bikega?
Aap bhi kuchh fund nikaliye… phir dekhiye usse teen guna chicken agar thok nahin diya to mera naam bhi…
Metro-ASM (Silent Prayer): Oh God – finally a chicken of the ’05 batch has crossed!
Hopefully, NOW they will send me to Marketing!
Upcountry RSM (Silent Anguish): Shit – 17.5 weeks stock of chicken!
Sales Commercial (Memo to all ASMs): Since the chicken has crossed the road for the third time
this year, as per Benckiser policy, we are putting the chicken on draft. In
order to reduce debts >60 days, we are reducing the credit days of all the
uncrossed chickens to 21. Your cooperation is solicited.
Logistics (Memo to the CFA): We have received an update from the sales teams that chickens are being crossed. Please note that if all the chickens don’t cross by the
deadline of 5 p.m. on the fourth Saturday, we will have no option but to
reverse all uncrossed chickens.
HR (Memo to the chicken): In view of the Non-Compete Clause that you had accepted as part of your employment contract, it is our duty to remind you that you may
start crossing but you may not reach the other side of the road within 18
months of the date of termination of your employment.
Category Support Team (Memo to
IN-HQ-Sales): To monitor the rapid changes in the
market place, one needs to keep track of indicators like chickens crossing the
road. In the attached format, please fill (on a weekly basis) the beat-wise
details of the chicken-crossings and send it to the Regional Office. The ZSM/RM
can collate the data CFA-wise and send it to Corporate Office no later than the
afternoon hours of every Tuesday.
Global HO: In accordance with the Global Integration Policy, we have decided
to align the branding across all markets and call the chicken Air-chick from now on. All
marketing & field communications, product graphics and advertising should
incorporate this change with immediate effect.
BTW, the title of the post comes from Shah Rukh Khan's then magnum opus - Asoka. A perceptive colleague once told me that every month-closing in sales is like the Kalinga War. There is bloodshed and gore when it is on. Repentance and mourning once it is over.
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