Filmi Fridays: Mughal Gardens

My Yahoo! Movies column, first published here.

As Aurangzeb jumps out of the underworld and into our lives today, it would be a worthwhile exercise to look at his ancestors. Mughal emperors – with their pomp and grandeur – have been a big favourite of Bollywood directors. Here are some of them, in reverse chronological order.

The first name in the list enters somewhat slyly. Because the film never got made!

Aakhri Mughal was supposed to be Abhishek Bachchan’s launch vehicle. Directed by J.P. Dutta, it was the tale of Bahadur Shah Zafar’s relationship with his son. Apparently, the rights were with Kamal Amrohi once upon a time and he had wanted to make the film with Amitabh Bachchan, after

seeing him in Zanjeer. It did not happen then. It did not happen with the son.

With all star sons getting launched in all-singing-alldancing-all-muscle-flexing roles, a debut like this would have been very different (to the point of being risky). But then, so was Abhishek’s actual debut film—Refugee—with the same director.

A monument as timeless as the Taj Mahal has been accorded not one, but two movies named after it. Quite unfortunately, neither of Shah Jahans evoked much excitement.

In the 1960s version, Pradeep Kumar played Shah Jahan and the movie was famous for excellent music composed by Roshan. The soundtrack included the superhit Jo vaada kiya woh nibhana padega which the hero sang soulfully for the benefit of Bina Rai.

Emperor Trivia: Pradeep Kumar has the distinction of playing Shah Jahan in this movie and Jahangir in another movie called Anarkali.

Akbar Khan made Taj Mahal: An Eternal Love Story with a lavish budget and not much commercial success. Zulfi Sayed played the young Shah Jahan while Kabir Bedi donned white tresses to play the old version. Pakistani actress Sonya Jehan played the object of affection and devotion. The romance of Prince Khurram and Arjumand Bano Begum reached its culmination in the white mausoleum – a symbol of eternal love as well as a place where a king’s dreams lay buried.

Jahangir was immortalised by his birth name – Prince Salim – where one of India’s greatest actors played him in Mughal-e-Azam. K Asif directed Dilip Kumar in the magnificent saga of a prince rebelling against his father the emperor for the love of a woman. Before he became the ‘conqueror of the world’, Salim was just a man in love and frustrated by his class-conscious father. In some of the largest battle scenes filmed in Bollywood, Prince Salim took on Emperor Akbar and lost spectacularly. Prithviraj Kapoor played the baritone voiced emperor whose kingship forced him to take up arms against his rebellious son.

And there was Madhubala, who was worth every war fought in the history of India.

Emperor Trivia: In Anand, Johnny Walker also played Salim in a theatre production and uttered the immortal lines that Anand would make his death speech. Zindagi aur maut uparwale ke haath mein hai, jahanpanah...

More Emperor Trivia: In an absolutely obscure film Angaar, Kader Khan played a Robin Hoodesque Mafia don – Jahangir Khan – who ruled Bombay with an iron hand and velvet gloves. His (and his sons’) run-ins with hero Jackie Shroff formed the crux of this eminently forgettable movie.   

In Jodha Akbar – a film which was historically before and chronologically after Mughal-e-Azam – Akbar was no longer the spoilsport but a rather flamboyant lover. Hrithik Roshan – he of the sculpted body and chiselled looks – romanced Aishwarya Rai – she of the dulcet voice and mesmerising eyes – in the grand film.

Ashutosh Gowariker invented several new historical ‘events’ to concoct this tale of love and honour between the Muslim ruler of India and his Hindu wife. When Akbar acquiesced to each of Jodha’s demands in order to marry her, who knew he would soon be haranguing his son for marrying a girl of his choice?

The final name in the list in Babar or – more accurately – Baabarr, a crime drama set in the ganglands of Uttar Pradesh where one Baabarr Qureshi ruled the underworld with aggressive help from the police and politicians. It traced his rise from a poor little boy to a dreaded gangster and pitted him against two charismatic actors as police officers – Om Puri and Mithun Chakraborty. The movie’s tagline ominously declared “I was... I am... I will be... Baabarr” which did nothing to improve the collections and Baabarr collapsed at the box office.

Historical Alert: The last time Om and Mithun formed a team was when the former was the latter’s manager in Disco Dancer and you could say Mithun was the Emperor of Disco!  

Filmi Fridays: Go Goa!

My weekly column for Yahoo! Movies, first published here.

This week, Saif plays a blond, wannabe-Russian, zombie-hunter operating in India’s Party Capital – Goa. Be it a band of comrades fighting for independence or be it a trio of friend living it up in a Merc convertible, Goa has been a big hit with moviegoers. Here’s a look at ten of those movies.

Saat Hindustani went on a mission – ahead of Indian troops – to destabilize the Portugese rule through a symbolic protest of raising the Indian flag atop seven buildings in occupied Goa. Hailing from different parts of India and following different religions, these seven Indians were symbols of unity in diversity. Even the actors who played the roles had their actual identities and characters criss-crossed. Bengali actor Utpal Dutt played a Punjabi while Malayalam actor Madhu played a Bengali. Actor Anwar Ali (brother of comedian Mehmood) played a Hindu while a new actor called Amitabh Bachchan played a Muslim character (called Anwar Ali)!

KA Abbas directed this patriotic drama that wasn’t about idyllic Goa but more about the mission to free it.

Amitabh Bachchan returned to the Goan liberation movement in Pukar as Ramdas a.k.a. Ronnie. He was the good guy (and freedom fighter’s son) who crossed over to the dark side (due to a misunderstanding with this father’s comrades). He sported a mean moustache and wooed a Goan girl – Julie (Zeenat Aman) – with what was probably the most famous ‘sea song’ in Bollywood. Samandar mein nahake could have only been set in Goa – if not for the beach setting, then certainly for Amitabh’s flashy blue-yellow-striped jacket.

(And to restrict the number of Amitabh Bachchan movies, I am skipping Bombay To Goa since it is more about the trip and less about the place!)

After the pop-patriotism, came Shyam Benegal’s brooding family drama – Trikal – where a Portugese family struggled to come to terms with the Indian Army’s takeover of Goa. With superb art direction and lush depiction of Goa, the film was vintage arthouse fare that made Benegal famous. Naseeruddin Shah was the narrator who told the story in flashback and a wonderful ensemble cast populated the story.

Trivia Alert: Three playback singers – Lucky Ali, Remo Fernandes and Alisha Chinai – made screen appearances in this film.

The moment Goa got free, drug peddlers came and settled down. One of their first victims was Cyrus Broacha (WHAT?) who made his cinematic debut in Jalwa as heroine Archana Puran Singh’s drug-addicted younger brother. The battle against drugs was led by Naseeruddin Shah who threw aside his ‘art film’ subtlety and put on some serious muscle for this role. Archana Puran Singh made her name with the Yeh hai jalwaaaaaaaa song with the sea in the background as Remo did his brand of vocal calisthenics.

Trivia Alert: Farah Khan was a backup dancer in one of the songs.

Shah Rukh Khan countered his villainous turn in Baazigar with a super-cute role in Kabhi Haan Kabhi Na, where he played the forever-flunking, musically inclined Sunil in Goa. While the beaches and fishermen remained only as props, the laidback attitude, the music and the Portugese priests were all there. Add to that a band of musicians, a Mafia Don called Anthony Gomes, a restaurant called China Town and you had the perfect picture of Goa. Wait… why a Chinese restaurant in Goa? Arre, just!

“Welcome to Goa, Singham!”

Villain Prakash Raj made this ominous invitation to Ajay Devgn and that was pretty much the only Goa in the movie. The sea food and siesta got replaced by flying kicks and revolving SUVs. Playing the title role of Singham, Devgn got down and dirty with the goons of Goa and the fabled susegad didn’t have a chance. Not venturing anywhere near the beaches and shacks, he was content tearing lamp posts off promenades. Clearly, a philistine!

A champion con-man came to Goa, followed by three women whom he had cheated earlier. And the game was afoot.

Ladies Vs Ricky Bahl chose Goa as the venue of the final showdown between Ranveer Singh and Anushka Sharma as they scouted idyllic locations for the perfect restaurant she wanted to start. That restaurant was part of an elaborate con the ladies were playing to recoup their money but Goa’s languid pace and verdant surroundings play the strangest of tricks on the most hardened people. And somebody fell in love with somebody. As I said, the game was afoot.

In the new wave of low-budget, off-beat films, we had Love Wrinkle Free. It was a comedy set in Goa where a salesman (Ash Chandler) planned to start his own business of – hold your breath – edible underwear. The obsession with soccer and siesta was brought out beautifully as our protagonist bumbled around his new business, his old wife and his mid-life crisis. Apart from the nostalgic favourites, the movie touched upon the new problems of Goa too.

Talking of Goa’s new problems, Dum Maaro Dum – as the title indicated – looked at the drug smuggling and mess that it has created among the young people. Abhishek Bachchan was the dour ACP chasing drug heists as a pretty airhostess (Bipasha Basu) and a confused youngster (Rana Daggubati) flitted in and out of love and jail. And finally, we had a movie that touched the Holy Grail of Goa entertainment – the rave party! (Complete with Deepika Padukone sporting a sexy tattoo. Beat that, God’s own country!)

The final name of the list has to be that film that made Goa ‘cool’. It is my contention that Goa’s ascension of the top holiday destination in India was largely brought about by Dil Chahta Hai.

Farhan Akhtar’s tale about three Bombay dudes doing cool things in Goa (even though it was for a short while in the film) was super-aspirational and was almost like an ad film for the destination. The montage of places in Goa – as part of the title song – playing incessantly on TV probably did more for Goa than any tourism development initiative. Of course, we didn’t have Merc convertibles to zip off in but Akash, Sameer and Siddharth’s capers in Goa would have prompted many a trio to get into their rickety cars and take off. After all, Goa is a place jo dil chahta hai… 

A Star Is Born

My family has a thing for - what we call - 'gaalbhora' (literally, a mouthful) names though they got shortened by well-meaning friends. I am Diptakirti going around as Dipta while my sister is Debanjana, now known as Debbie. (Not Debi, unfortunately. Sigh.)
Probably scarred by our efforts in explaining these long names to less evolved people, my sister and I decided to give simple names to our children. (Dyujoy is a simple name, okay?) While I had Joy and Deeti, my sister came up with Tara. (She lives in a civilised place where they let you know the child's gender beforehand.) My mother murmured some desire for a 'gaalbhora naam' but then, my sister has never listened to anybody in her entire life.

I was quite tickled to because
(a) My sister's nickname is Moon. And now there is a Star.
(b) The second part of Phoolon ka, taaron ka arrived before the first part. (Page 114 of Kitnay Aadmi Thay, dudes!)

* * * * * *
As I have mentioned twice before, I strongly believe in birthdays passing on traits. We already have a Roger Waters in the family and an International Woman of Mystery.
When I first heard my sister was due for delivery in the first week of May, my first thought was to wish for a May 2nd date. No other date (not even October 11) holds so much meaning for me as this one and if I could choose a date for any of my kids, I would have chosen this date without a shade of doubt.
When QSQT turned 25 earlier this week, I slyly thought my sister probably deserves her daughter to be born on that day. I know she herself wanted it when she messaged me - somewhat resignedly - after a checkup.
So thankfully, the little girl decided to come today and ensure her Mamu will never forget everything else in the world but not her birthday.

Welcome, Miss Tara Nair. May you grow up to be a Ray heroine. 

Book Review: Salvation Of A Saint

It is very difficult to objectively review a book whose cover has a blurb “The Japanese Stieg Larsson” from a publication as venerable as The Times (presumably, London). Keigo Higashino is also the author of The Devotion Of Suspect X, the multi-million copy bestseller that was also made into a movie (needless to say, hugely successful).

Salvation Of A Saint is the story of a millionaire killed by arsenic poisoning, which has only two suspects – the victim’s wife and his lover (for whom he was leaving the wife). It doesn’t take a Sherlock Holmes to hazard a guess who the killer might be. Even if you are wrong, your second guess has to be correct. The beauty of this mystery novel is that the solution comes through stray observations, throw-away comments and simple assertions about human nature.  Why would an obsessively neat housewife not put her champagne flutes away? Why would a man insist on bottled water to make coffee? How does a woman feel when she is unable to bear a child? As Higashino goes about building seeming inconsequential conversations and describes quotidian events, he builds a tapestry of clues to unravel later. And when he does that, the logic of deduction is masterful.

Having said that, there is a problem. This is a mystery novel, not a thriller. The build-up of events and characters is a little too slow to get sucked into the story right from the beginning. For me, the reputation of the author was the only hook that kept me on till the very end.

Except for the last quarter of the novel, the pace is leisurely and there are just not enough clues for the readers to get their brain cells into play. Blame it on the breathless pace of the TV crime dramas (which kill off several people in one episode), my expectation of a crime story has come to include a lot more ‘happenings’ – murders, reveals, twists, turns. Salvation doesn’t offer any of that.

In itself, this should not have been a problem. There are many detective stories that gloss over the ‘inactive’ period with the eccentricities of the hero and his interactions with his cronies. Hercule Poirot’s obsessive neatness, his sartorial style, his exasperation with Hastings all added to the allure and often, one looked forward to these descriptions to add a bit of spice to the detection. Likewise, Sherlock Holmes’ cocaine addiction, Feluda’s banter with Jatayu, Byomkesh’s social milieu were all grist for finely etched episodes that framed the detective stories beautifully. I felt the premise of Detective Galileo – a University professor swearing allegiance to science and scientific methods to solve crimes – was too commonplace. His interactions with the police officers were again not sharp enough to look forward to. And indeed, he just isn’t there for long enough to make an impression.

Salvation has a brilliant twist in the end but the scale of the crime, the pace of the detection and the charm of the protagonists just did not have enough thrills. A likeable enough book but not one that will keep you up past your bedtime to know the killer. 

This review is a part of the biggest Book Review Program for Indian Bloggers. Participate now to get free books!

Filmy Fridays: iMac

My weekly column for Yahoo! Movies, first published here.

April 24 was the birthday of Mac Mohan – one of the most recognised faces in Bollywood. With his distinctive white-streaked hair and beard, he was the quintessential villain’s henchman – never shying away from ordering a hit or helpfully passing on his boss’ message.

Today’s column looks at the life, times and trivia of ‘Mac’.

Mac Mohan was his screen name, arrived at by cleverly juxtaposing the first syllables of his name and surname – Mohan Makhijani.

He came to Bombay to become a cricketer but ended up in the movie industry instead. He had several filmi connections as he was Sunil Dutt’s classmate in Lucknow and Raveena Tandon’s maternal uncle. In fact, the actress was very fond of ‘Mohan mama’ and thought him to be a hero in real life. There was a controversy around the National Awards of 2001 when Raveena won the Best Actress prize for Daman while Mac Mohan was a member of the jury (and later accused of nepotism).

He made his film debut way back in 1964 with a part in Chetan Anand’s war drama – Haqeeqat – set in the backdrop of the Sino-Indian war.

He was also seen soon afterwards in Joy Mukherjee starrer, Aao Pyar Karein, where he danced to a song displaying female moves as part of a prank with his friends.

The song can be seen here and acknowledgments are due to Jai Arjun Singh who discovered Mac and Sanjeev Kumar as the ‘hero’s friends’ in the song.

His most iconic role was – of course, obviously, definitely, TOTALLY – in Sholay.

He gained legendary fame and his name in Sholay – Sambha – became a household word, thanks to a superb conversation with Gabbar Singh that led to his speaking just three words in the entire film. The device of Gabbar getting a sidekick to praise was explained by Javed Akhtar as an obvious one since megalomaniacs like others singing their praise. To this end, Sambha said “Pooray pachaas hazaar”, the reward on Gabbar’s head and made history.

Incidentally, the shooting of Sholay had him speaking in several scenes but all of them got edited out. In fact, Mac Mohan was very disappointed he saw the rushes and requested director Ramesh Sippy to edit even that one scene out.

As it turned out, he started getting recognised on streets as Sambha and was mobbed by audiences when he went to see the film in the theatre! 

Silly Aside: Rekha played an outrageously dressed vamp in Madam X. The fourteen people who saw that abomination of a film would remember (or not) that Mac Mohan played her chief henchman and his name was Sambha!

Mac Mohan made his career out of playing the villain’s henchman in countless (actually, 218) Hindi films.

In Karz, he was Sir Juda’s (Premnath) interpreter since the main villain did not speak and communicated only by clinking fingers on glasses.

In Satte Pe Satta, he played a henchman who tried to roll a boulder on an heiress but failed due to the efforts of the brothers.

In Don, he was part of the smugglers’ gang wearing natty clothes and playing cards. 

He did the occasional ‘good’ role as well. For example in The Burning Train, he was the leader of labourers trying to make an incline to stop the hurtling train. In fact, he was shown as the passionate leader who egged his team to complete this critical task taking instructions from Vinod Mehra (through a megaphone). In fact, the final instruction – which precipitated the climax – identified him by name – “Mac, Super Express ko incline pe daal do”.  

His name was so popular that in an exceptionally large number of films, his characters were also called Mac. This was in line with the tradition created by iconic villains like Ranjeet and Prem Chopra, whose characters were often named after their real names.

In 31 out of his 218 movies, Mac was Mac! For the mathematically inclined, that is a whopping 14% of the total output. For the trivially inclined, he was Mac in three successive movies in 1993 and called Mac Kelkar in the forgettable Jawab Hum Denge.

One of his very interesting roles came in Kaala Patthar, where he played Rana the card shark.

He was perennially ripping off fellow miners in the colony in card games, which he seemed incapable of losing. He met his match when Shatrughan Sinha challenged him to a game of teen patti and ended up with two kings. When Mac took out his three jacks (one of which was produced from under his sleeve), Shatru tore up his third card and announced – “teesre badshah hum hain...”

This character had a very interesting twist in the climax when a group of miners were stuck in the submerged mine and used a draw of cards to decide who would get to escape using the lift first.

One of Mac’s last roles was in Zoya Akhtar’s Luck By Chance, set in the world of strugglers in the film industry.

He played himself, as the chief guest at the graduation ceremony of an acting class (run by Saurabh Shukla). Before giving out the certificates, he was requested to speak. A gushing student asked him not for a few words but for those three words that made him iconic. Mac good-naturedly obliged by restating the reward on Gabbar’s head... to thunderous applause.

At the end of a busy career, he deserved it. 

Filmy Fridays: Which witch is which?

I have just started writing a column for Yahoo! Movies called Filmy Fridays. This is what I wrote in the introduction of the column. 

When you watch an Ayushmann Khurana movie, do you remember other movies in which the hero sang? Did Chashme Buddoor (the Classic) remind you of other movies shot in Delhi? Does Shashi Kapoor in Deewaar remind you of Raj Kiran in Karz? Well, you turned up at the right place then.

Every Friday, we will take one element of a current topic – a newly released movie, a special day, a star in the news – and go back in time to find some similar elements from the classics of Bollywood. Some will be obvious, some obscure and some tangential… hopefully, it will all add up to a lot of fun.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

And this is the first column, which takes off from last week's 'big' release - Ek Thi Daayan.

Ek Thi Daayan releases today. Emraan Hashmi will be torn between the attentions of Huma Qureshi, Kalki Koechlin and Konkona Sensharma to decide which witch is which. The trailer offers many tantalizing theories about recognizing a witch while the National Commission for Women protests against the ‘negative’ portrayal of witches/women in the movie.

Now would be a good time to examine how many witches and lady ghosts have appeared in Hindi movies. How scary were they? What did they do?  Bad things or good things? How were they identified? How memorable were they?

Vishal Bhardwaj – the producer of Ek Thi Daayan – seems to have a witch obsession. He created a memorable chudail in Makdee as well.

Gnarled fingers. Matted hair. Creepy eyes. A dilapidated mansion adorned with skull and bones. She drank blood of eagles and bats. She was known to have dark magical powers and turned people into animals at a star-shaped altar in her mansion.

While it was supposed to be a film for children, Shabana Azmi became an evil witch who managed to scare even the adults. She met her match in Chunni (child actor Shweta Prasad) after she ‘turned’ her twin sister Munni into a chicken. The little girl pulled together all her courage, friends and meager resources to fight the evil witch – who became a metaphor for superstition and blind faith. And in the climax, Shabana Azmi’s frenzied performance made us realize once again why she is still India’s finest actress.

Villain killed heroine. Hero wanted to prove it and discovered a lookalike. The lookalike was supposed to pretend to be the dead heroine and extract a confession from the villain. Everything went as per plan – lights went out, thunder flashed and sound of anklets reverberated. The lookalike walked in and – with much drama – got the villain to confess. Except that she knew much more than she should have. On cue, another lookalike walked in, who had got delayed due to some unforeseen situation. As the hero processed this information, the earlier lookalike vanished into thin air. She was the ghost of the dead heroine, returning to take revenge.

Madhumati (Vyjayanthimala) was the first to have this ghostly trick and then tribute-factory Om Shanti Om recreated this sequence with Deepika Padukone. Both heroines were, well, deadly in the roles.

The title of the most ethereal ghost in Bollywood has to be Dimple Kapadia in Lekin.

She took smitten archaeologist Vinod Khanna on elaborate tours of deserted havelis, gave him delusions of grandeur, sang breathtaking songs and vanished into thin air amidst sand dunes. And just when we were confused if she was a figment of Vinod Khanna’s imagination or ours, her elder sister Hema Malini (ethereal running in the family, clearly) popped up and informed us of Dimple’s demise.

Interestingly, Meghna Gulzar revealed in her biography of Gulzar that Dimple was not allowed to blink in any of her scenes in the film and that endless fixed gaze added to her other-worldly allure. 

Ever since Manoj Night Shyamalan made The Sixth Sense, a whole new avenue of ‘inspiration’ opened up for scriptwriters across the globe.

In Hum Tum Aur Ghost, Arshad Warsi had the same gift, often not realizing they were dead. His fiancée attributed his hallucinations to excessive drinking and generally scattered brain. Boman Irani was a ghost who had an errand for him (bringing in a lost-and-found track) and paid a tribute to the original film. He deadpanned to Arshad, “You see dead people.”

Of course, Arshad’s girlfriend (Dia Mirza) gave him hell for his eccentric mumblings and threatened to leave him. Till she died herself. And guess who was the one living guy who could see and hear her? Arshad could have become the first man in history who actually heard what his wife told him… but for a silly plot twist. Tchah!

*** SPOILER ALERT *** SPOILER ALERT *** SPOILER ALERT *** SPOILER ALERT *** 

When the trailers of Aamir Khan-starrer Talaash flashed across TV screens, Kareena Kapoor seemed to be the femme fatale leading the police office hero in murder investigation offering seductive glances and cryptic clues. The fatale of this femme was actually literal as she wasn’t a witness or an accomplice but the victim herself. She was an unfortunate call girl who got killed by some rich playboys and her murder hushed up. She appeared only to Aamir Khan and took him to scary locations and shady people whose secrets she seemed to know a lot of. Essentially an extension of The Sixth Sense plot device, Kareena the Ghost popped up whenever Aamir Khan needed a clue and nudged him towards the criminals.

You know, our police could do with a lot of these other worldly assistances. 

*** SPOILER OVER *** SPOILER OVER *** SPOILER OVER *** SPOILER OVER *** 

As a final aside, it would be interesting to look at the many chudails and daayans who have inhabited the world of B-grade Bollywood.

-    The most common epithet for witches in Bollywood lexicon is obviously Pyaasi. Pyasi Chudail and Pyaasi Bhootni, for example. Obviously, these violent creatures are thirsting for blood. (Sale Alert: Both these eclectic movies are now available in a 3-in-1 DVD set, along with Khooni Murdaa.)

-    Daayan has also been the title of a movie while horror TV shows have picked up some of the more intriguing ones like Daayan Bani Dulhan (Whoa, this is Ramsay Bros meet Ekta Kapoor!) and Pahaadi Daayan. 

55 Goes To Bollywood

A while back, I was slightly obsessed with writing 55-word stories/paragraphs. I wrote one set of stories on heroines, one on the seven deadly sins and another longer story in 55-word paragraphs. Then, I forgot all about it.
Yesterday I got some ideas while thinking about my pet topic.
And 55 went to tinsel town.

* * * * *

“Sagar-saab, without good dialogues, a scene falls flat. These daily dialogue writers you get are rubbish.”
“Arre, I got a new fellow today.”
“Forget him. Let me write. I promise you...”
“Yaar Salim, tu akele kya kya karega. Acting karega ya dialogue likhega? You meet this new guy - Javed. You'll like his work. Guaranteed.”

* * * * *

“The guy is really good”, Salim said.
“He was a pain in the romantic scenes. But the fights were amazing”, added Javed.
“I think Ramesh should see the movie.”
“The distributors won’t let him take this guy…”
“Let Ramesh see the film. After that, it’s his call…”
“Yeah. What’s the film called?”
“Bombay to Goa.”

* * * * *

“Barjatya-saab, I can't take Hari-bhai for the role.”
“Why? What happened?”
“Nothing. He's a great actor. But he's no longer hungry. His passion has...”
“What passion, Mahesh? Talent chahiye, bhai...”
“Yesterday, Anupam came to my place. His anger. His talent. His hunger... I've decided. Either he does the role or I won't direct this film.”

* * * * *

"Ramu-ji, Anurag and I were discussing the don must be an everyday guy in his personal life. Scared of his wife. Loves his kids. Loves eating kheer. You know, normal."
"Interesting. Then the name shouldn't be bombastic. Not Mogambo or Bhaktavar."
"No, no. Not at all."
The office boy walked in.
"Bhiku, teen coffee lana."

* * * * *

Vishal entered Chandan Cinema. Sajid came running, waving tickets.
“VD, this movie is a classic. Saw the noon show. Now matinee with you.”
Vishal lit a cigarette and smiled at his friend’s enthu.
“If I become a director, I will remake this film. And you’ll be the hero.”
“I’ll change my name if that happens.”

* * * * *

Five stories of 55 words each.
Each about one notable instance of Bollywood history, as imagined by yours truly.
I am now wondering if they have become too obscure because the snapshot is all-too-brief.
What do you think? Did you manage to recognize the people and the settings? Yes?
Then, write some of yours, no?

Woo Kaun Thi?

Mad Momma has suggested that I do a post on the differences between wooing and stalking - as elucidated by the doyens of Bollywood. Now, this is a sure-shot recipe for disaster since Bollywood is not really known for classy wooing (Think "tu cheez badi hai mast mast...") and sophisticated examples are few and far between.
But one must look at Bollywood's message in its entirety.

Let me explain.
To start, I will take two scenes with identical dialogues from a universal favourite - Dil Chahta Hai.
In the first scene, Akash - an incorrigible flirt - accosts a simple girl (clearly not in familiar territory) and almost bulldozes her for a dance. And while doing so, he subtly mocks her with a faux-romantic dialogue.
In the second scene, Akash - now a better man - walks into Shalini's wedding and asks for her hand in marriage. He has been a bit of a lout all through the movie and didn't 'woo' her at any point of time. Walking into a lawn full of hostile people, getting down on his knees and proposing to her is - what I consider - very courageous wooing.
If you take Akash's behaviour for about three-fourths of the film, he is a jerk. But he reforms. And how.

Let me try again, with an even more difficult-to-defend example.
I just spoke about Phool Aur Kaante in my earlier post. The famous song which focuses almost entirely on the heroine's thighs and breasts while the hero gleefully stalks her, shames her and almost molests her. If the Anti-Rape bill had turned out as it should have, Ajay Devgn would have been jail for that song.
HOWEVER.
See this song, one more hour into the movie. The hero leaves his millionaire father's house to marry the aforementioned girl. He marries her. He doesn't force himself upon her during the suhaag raat. He appears suitably smitten and (in an exaggerated, filmy sort of way) takes care of her when she is pregnant. He even shares the child-rearing (in an antiseptic, problem free sort of way). This is also a sort of wooing (though not what I would call among the best of Bollywood).
Please don't nitpick by saying catching your falling wife is not really taking care of her. Or, swaying a baby isn't really rearing him. Remember, this is a movie which uses simple symbols to depict complicated things. 
Anyway, my point is that the movie doesn't stop at showing a molester/eve-teaser. They show the guy finally transforming into a sensitive husband. If the logic is people get 'inspired' by Bollywood and stalk girls, then they should also be inspired enough to become a dutiful husband. That, somehow, never catches people's attention.

Hell - before this degenerates into some kind of defending-Sanjay-Dutt kind of gig, let me quickly list out some of my favourite wooing scenes from Bollywood. I have tried to avoid songs, which is the staple mode of expressing love.
Here goes in chronological order...

A poet-cum-musician is suspected of throwing a woman down from the teesri manzil - by the woman's sister. He should keep as far away from this girl as possible but you know what they say about moths and flames, don't you? He says I know you will kill me but I will still be right behind you. And before they sang that wonderful song, he said a few wonderful words. Watch it.

The virginal prostitute of Amar Prem sang like an angel. Just when she had started a song - Raina beet jaye - a drunkard walked in. He didn't seem the type to frequent kothas. He underlined his difference from her other customers when he asked her to sing. Never in the history of cinema has a woman been wooed with just two words... Gaaiye na.

The romantic (probably Bengali) Anand Babu of Amar Prem transformed into a garrulous Dilli-wala in Anand, never shy of taking his Bengali friend's case. When his poetic friend tried a few lines about the ocean and sky merging on his girlfriend, he broke the mood by calling him a hypocrite for taking too long to woo her!! This scene stands as one of my favourites because the good doctor demonstrated his sensitive side beautifully while talking about Anand's impending death. He wasn't consciously wooing but the girl got wooed. Subtle, sensitive.

The good doctor gave up his reticence in the next few years. While trying to steal a diamond necklace, he bumped into a gorgeous woman. The woman stunned him by popping the diamond necklace into his pocket. He - then - did a double-barreled wooing. First, he proved his thieving mettle by stealing the necklace right out of the police dragnet. And then he broke his silence with a line that stole her heart.
(While we are in the AB zone, we might as well see what DOES NOT work.)

It would be interesting to point what does work from Chashme Buddoor itself.
The cute Siddharth Parashar let a detergent salesgirl into his flat and suffered a full demo of Chamko. To put her at ease, he put on the radio, explained that he put Gandhi pics on walls (and not bikini ones) and finally confessed that he had given clean clothes for her to wash. The impression he made became apparent when the girl gave pretty intricate details about her whereabouts every evening. Sweet.
I will not link this scene. Go and watch it in the theatre when it re-releases on 5th April!

NOT PART OF THE LIST ALERT:
Yash Chopra knows a thing or two about wooing. Or not.
In Chandni, the hero hired a helicopter to shower petals on her. And promptly crashed to become paralysed. In Darr, the heroine was wooed with a brilliant song by an unseen admirer. Who turned into a crazed stalker immediately afterwards. In Lamhe, the hero took sweeping sorties over the lush English countryside (again to the accompaniment of a lovely song) with his heroine. But was fantasising about her mother all the while.
Not my idea of great romance.

LIST STARTS AGAIN ALERT:
The guys in uniform do it best. In Rang De Basanti, we had a Flight Lieutenant sweeping a girl off her feet with his sense of duty, his idealism, his cool shades and leather jackets. And when he chose to propose, it was not a hush-hush candlelit dinner setting. It was in bright sunlight, in a beautiful setting that you find only in India and in the presence of friends. When she was least expecting it. Tu bin bataaye mujhe lekar chal kahin...

Sometimes the girl wants you to woo her. She wants you to take her hand in yours. She wants you to get close to her and murmur sweet nothings. She wants you too look deeply in her eyes. Lekin parmisan toh lena chahiye, na?
The fearsome don of Wasseypur turned into jelly when she was meeting her lady love. And he taught us that wonderful lesson Indian men... Whatever you do, take permission.
Whether you want to hold her hand. Or whether you want to have sex.
And if she says no, back off. You may be a hunter but don't take out your gun. Just back off. (See from 2:00 onwards.)

The best gift with which you can woo a woman is attention. And who knows this better than a Frenchman?
When asked to name the favourite part of his class in English Vinglish, Laurent gave a totally charming one-minute speech (see from 4:20 onwards) about the woman he loved. In another language, for another woman, he may well have succeeded.
Come to think of it, who said he didn't? (see from 1:20 onwards)

Those were my favourites. Like? Dislike?

College Songs

When I was growing up, collegiate heroes of Bollywood used to bamboozle their heroines during the course of one great song before falling head over heels in love with them. The corridors of HS College of Arts & Commerce reverberated with jhankaar beats and corny lyrics, garnished with the heroes' machismo. We never blamed them for promoting commodification of women (Khambe jaisi khadi hai… Gasp!) because they were soon writing letters in blood and fighting Mukesh Rishi to win the hand of their lady love. Nowadays of course, all rapes are entirely the fault of Bollywood heroes who call their heroines mast cheez or similar.

I thought of listing down some of my favourite 'college songs' - a mix of flirtatious, romantic, attitude-exuding pieces. The musical quality of some of them is questionable. Some other's lyrics are a little dodgy. But the energy is quite amazing. 

Here goes... 

Humne tumko dekha - Khel Khel Mein

At the "Teenth (sic) Annual Function", Rishi Kapoor put on a muffler taller than himself, strummed a guitar and RD Burman took over from there. Actually, Rishi provided able support in the form of energetic dance moves while his future wife shook a mean leg too. Before the cute Khans, this Kapoor scion had put the 'teen' in teenybopper romances and boy, did we lap it up?  

The next three songs form a tribute to the 1990s, a decade nobody acknowledges in Bollywood. But I had the dubious fortune of being in college when hunks wooed damsels over benches and bunsen burners. 

Jisse dekh mera dil dhadka - Phool Aur Kaante

Ajay Devgan and Madhoo were the underdog pair, not-so-good looking in a decade where everyone was in love with chocolate box stars. Ajay entered the scene standing atop two zooming bikes and promptly dived in front of the heroine. As college students, we predicted the swift end of the hero's career and thought even Sunil Shetty was probably better. As I write this, Singham is playing on a music channel.
And I realise - to some horror and some happiness - that I remember most of the lyrics of this song.

Mera pant bhi – Dulara          

This song, I remember ALL the lyrics. I even remember the controversy. I also know that the Censor Board wanted to replace the offending word with fancy. Mera pant bhi fancy, mera shirt bhi fancy... sigh, just doesn't cut ice.
ALL TOGETHER NOW, SING WITH ME... Ek hain anaar yahan, kitne bimar yahan...

Khud ko kya samajhti hain – Khiladi

One more of those 'commodification/semi-molestation' songs, this was redeemed by Akshay Kumar's acrobatic presence.
If you had told me then that Akhay Kumar would act in 786 Khiladi films one day, I would have referred you to a good psychiatrist.

Pappu Can’t Dance Saala – Jaane Tu Ya Jaane Na 

After the trio of mid-90s masala, let me take a generation-crossing leap and land in South Bombay where a bunch of college-leaving kids were making fun of people who can't dance. Basically, the film's producer was making fun of Salman Khan.

Just as we are done with Imran Khan, we have to get to this mamu-jaan, who has been a college-goer for as long as he has been in movies. Two songs from the beginning of his career and two songs closer to the present day underline Aamir Khan's durability as a college-goer.

Papa Kehte Hain – Qayamat Se Qayamat Tak
The situation of Pappu was similar to the Papa song but the magic was something else.
When my sister and I bought this cassette, we were quite alarmed as an instrumental piece played for nearly one minute (that seemed like five) and we wondered if we picked up the wrong album. Udit Narayan, Anand-Milind, Mansoor Khan all found their stardoms riding on Raj Singh's slender shoulders.
We all know Aamir's then-wife Reena was the giggling girl in the red dress. A Bollywood fan (Rohit Bajaj) recently told me that the girl next to her is Imran Khan's mother. Here is a recent picture of hers. You tell me if he is right or not. 

Yahan ke hum sikandar –  Jo Jeeta Wohi Sikandar 

When you are in college, you own the world. Period. This one thought made for this song (which - strictly speaking - is based in a school but don't be pedantic, okay?)

Pathshaala – Rang De Basanti

Sulphuric acid never fails to take us back to those long corridors, dank laboratories, stolen cigarettes and the confidence to change the world. The very cool open-air disco, the psychedelic music and the crazy lyrics... what wouldn't you give to get those when you were back in college?

Aal izz well – 3 Idiots

I watched the movie thrice in a theater and millions of times on DVD and YouTube but I don't tire of it. Probably because I can't get over the philosophy... bakra kya jaane uske jaan ka kya hoga, seekh ghusegi ya saala keema hoga? It was 100% accurate in college. The scary bit is that it is still that way!

And that brings us to what is my favourite college song. 

Jagadi jagadi – Shiva

Creating a brilliant mix of Botany with matinee and history with mystery, Raj Zutshi, Amala and their cohorts pulled off an unchoreographed mayhem with style. They even pulled out a farra and reminded us Supplementary ka shahenshah hai tu... Basically, they created a superb pseudo-college we all wanted to be in. Till, of course, Nagarjuna bent down and pulled out a cycle chain.
But it was great while it lasted.

Bonus Song: This song shouldn't be in the list because it is not part of any film. But then, it is not the composers' fault that the universe is incapable of producing a film that can contain the magic of a well-paced rod. I am just glad that I spent two years of my life breathing the same air as these magicians. [NSFW]


So, what do you have to offer by way of class participation?

More Meta

Enlightened souls who own a book called Kitnay Aadmi Thay would probably remember a chapter called Meta - about movies within movies. The rest of you, please buy the book. What are you waiting for - Valentine's Day?
I am now thinking of some other sorts of Meta... namely, self referencing of filmmakers and actors.

This train of thought started while watching Jo Jeeta Wohi Sikandar (a full-fledged post coming on that one!). When the final cycle race had started, the Rajput College's cause was espoused by sexy cheerleading by the Queen's College girls and "Kill Them Shekhar" banners were put up. The pajama chhaap Model had to make do with a smallish banner at the exit of the stadium. But it was a sweet reminder of the producer's past glory.

If you go back a bit and start thinking of such references, the first one that I could think of (thanks to Jai Arjun Singh) was the surreal phone conversation between Naseruddin Shah and Satish Kaushik, where they were both standing in the same room and at the point, even exchanged receivers! The code which kicked off the conversation was a character created by a friend of the director - Saeed Mirza. And yes, they described him as well. When Naseer said "Albert Pinto", Satish Kaushik asked, "Kaun? Woh dadhi wala?". Bwahahaha!

Zip back to the present day and you have a cute tribute paid to the best dancer of the Kapoor khandaan.
If only Student Of The Year had allowed the gay headmaster Yogendra Vashisht to shake some more leg, I would have surely gone and watched it for him. Just when the Radha song was becoming unbearable, we had Rishi Kapoor (around the 3 minute mark) powering in with a dafli and there was a jazzy interlude of the song from Sargam. And for the next minute or so, you just forgot those three zombies who seemed they had strayed from a Twilight movie set.




Then there was Hum Aapke Hain Koun... As Prem and Nisha were carrying on their saccharine sweet romance, they were also laying down the template for weddings in India in the coming century. A completely obscure 'ritual' of stealing the groom's shoes became of paramount importance as Salman Khan was despatched to attend a phone call (leaving the shoes in the able care of Wonder Dog Tuffy). The phone call was from Suman and her Baba. Prem asked "Maine pyar kiya tha? Pichhle janam mein..." harking back to an earlier birth, where Suman was indeed the centre of Prem's universe.

Coolie No. 1 had The Iconic Tapori Song - Main toh raste se jaa raha tha... 
But the song had an interesting interlude in the form of a reference to Govinda, Karisma and David Dhawan's earlier blockbuster - Raja Babu. The trio were slammed for the vulgarity, especially the Sarkailo khatiya song.
Watch the video (from about 2:40) where Govinda says "Maine jab sarkaii khatiya, aapko laga bada ghatiya..." and proceeds to take a dig at SRK (who had just found anti-hero stardom in Darr) by rationalising "Maine kisi ke dil mein chaku ghusaya nahin..." 
To my mind, this is a unique example of a director-actor team explaining an earlier film through a song that are not connected in any other way.

And as I write this post, a trailer of Zilla Ghaziabad comes on.
Sanjay Dutt says, "Yaad toh main Madhuri Dixit ko bhi karta hoon lekin woh aati hain kya?" Connoisseurs of the 90s would remember that Sanjay and Madhuri were an item (around the time Thaanedar released) and broke up after Sanjay was jailed for the AK-47 episode.
Now, all that is left for me is to hear Amitabh Bachchan refer to his kismat ki Rekha...

Which ones can you think of?

UPDATED TO ADD: From a discussion with Sukanya Verma, it has emerged that ALL of Andaz Apna Apna is one big self-reference. From Salman's Sholay reference to Aamir's Papa kehte they to Mehmood's Wah Wah Production - it is one big joke.
Just remind me, did we send that movie to the Oscars? No. See, we bloody deserve Singham.

Many Twitter friends have contributed to this theme, all of which are available here.
Also, do read Jai Arjun's brilliant post on the same topic here.